Are you someone’s option B?

By April 24, 2019 April 25th, 2019 No Comments

A lot of times in my life, I’ve gone from zero to a hundred with the person I’m dating. I thought that meant that both sides were really prioritizing the other person and that you were both fully committed to each other. Now that I’m dating in my late 20s in Los Angeles, I don’t live in close proximity to a lot of people so the whole approach to dating feels different. Dating now means going very much out of your way to see this other person. I know I value my own time and a lot of the activities I’m involved in so seeing someone multiple times a week to get to know them requires a lot more motivation and dedication. As a result, I’m fitting some people in my schedule only when it’s convenient and I know they’re doing the same to me (and maybe others), as well. This raises a few questions. Will I or this other person who is not prioritizing me ever fully commit or am I wasting my precious personal time? Can you transform a relationship with someone you’re not fully invested in into a healthy long-term relationship?

Dating apps have helped bring people into our lives whose paths may have never crossed otherwise especially when you’re new to a city and working by yourself  (*cough* me *cough*). However, it’s also creating this mentality that there is ALWAYS another option (which to be fair there is always another option but is that a good way to approach every dating scenario?). When you see someone infrequently, are you just keeping them as an option until something better comes along? Or does it create a more “organic” style of dating where you actually get to know the person a bit by taking the time before fully committing to them? I’m a bit mentally conflicted – on one hand, I acknowledged that I jumped into my last couple relationships too quickly. On the other, I don’t want someone I care about to feel as though they’re just one of my “options” either (I also want to use my own dating time wisely). This probably wouldn’t be such a problem if both parties saw the other as a good companion when convenient while not changing their schedules around for them but this just starts the cycle all over again…can this or will this truly ever blossom into a full-blown relationship or will one person get hurt in the end because they were strung along the whole time?

Where is that tipping point? How do you ultimately know when to go from casually fitting someone in your schedule to more intentionally building a relationship together? I obviously don’t know the answers and it varies for everyone. Let me know what you think in the comments below.

Faryar Ghaemi

Author Faryar Ghaemi

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